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Matt Forney is a Chicago-based author, journalist and entrepreneur.He blogs at Matt and is also on Twitter, Sound Cloud, and You Tube.

I relocated to Portland from my hometown of Syracuse, New York last year as part of a cross-country trip to see America and change my life.While I like the place—there are a lot of cool people and things to do here—Portland is not a city for everyone, and it’s not a place you want to go to get laid. Seeing as I grew up in the snowiest large city in the U.S., I figured dealing with the weather in the Pacific Northwest would be easy. In the winter, Portland’s stretches of rainy or overcast weather are so long that you’ll start to forget what the sun looks like.From the time I arrived in December all through January, there were maybe two or three days total that the city wasn’t blanketed in gray storm clouds.I’m pretty confident that the lack of sunshine—and the resulting depression caused by Vitamin D deficiency—is partly responsible for Portland’s lazy “yeah, whatever man” culture.

I’m not exaggerating when I say Portland is full of bums, and I’m not talking about the hipsters.

Thanks to the mild winter weather and limp-wristed police force, PDX has a huge population of homeless people.

Hell, this city was where the term “skid row” originated.

When they aren’t sucking down free meals from the Rescue Mission, Portland’s transients are either panhandling for smack money down at Pioneer Courthouse Square or pacing back and forth on the Burnside Bridge muttering the n-word to themselves. Portland is supposedly one of the fittest cities in America, but you wouldn’t know it by actually visiting here.

Because the city council lacks so much as one vertebra of backbone, their “solutions” to the homeless problem consist of letting them fare jump on the MAX and loiter in the Central Library all day, which now has a permanent funk of B. The average Rose City girl either has a beach ball-shaped body or looks like an Auschwitz survivor; nothing in between.

Add in their pasty flour dough skin and you can go days without seeing anything you’d want to bang.