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From 2002 to 2008, I worked as a professional dominatrix at three commercial dungeons in New York City. A few of the things I learned—and also a few of the things I had to un-learn—as a dominatrix, have proved valuable in other jobs, and in other parts of my life.They say you can take the girl out of the dungeon, but you can’t take the dungeon out of the girl.

He had a very specific fantasy, but he wouldn’t be able to communicate specifically what it was.

He couldn’t let go of the initial discomfort and let the scene happen, let alone allow me a good enough glimpse of his inner world to take control of it for an hour.

Verbalizing his truth—how he really felt, what he really wanted—put him at risk of rejection, or perhaps worse, being laughed at. This kind of interaction happens all the time, in any relationship.

I’m occasionally guilty of expecting people in my life to be able to read my mind. An accurate definition of sex Presumably, this is why commercial dungeons can operate legally in New York City—it’s also why they routinely get raided and shut down by law enforcement.

If they could just do that, I’d have the ultimate fix: the intimacy I crave without risk of being misunderstood or rejected. It’s a never-ending effort on both sides to figure out if what pro doms are providing can be defined as prostitution.

Unfortunately, I haven’t met anyone who can do that. To get a good laugh, all you need to do is ask a New York lawyer what legally constitutes sexual conduct.

NYC criminal defense attorneys Crotty Saland PC say, “As applied to offenses relating to Prostitution, courts seem to agree that ‘oral sexual conduct,’ ‘anal sexual conduct,’ ‘masturbation’ and ‘sexual intercourse’ fall within this definition…

While the analysis of these scenarios is fact specific, each case is different and requires the analysis of a skilled criminal defense attorney.”The lines one can draw around sex are only valid for the individual drawing them, and may change as that individual’s sexuality develops and evolves.

This point is especially apparent when it comes to unusual fetishes.

I had clients who were completely sexually satisfied by things most people wouldn’t regard as sexual at all.

For some, having a tooth pulled, mopping the floor, or watching a girl wiggle her toes while she’s wearing jeans over tights are highly erotic activities.